Building a strong relationship: The importance of secure functioning

Most of us know, intuitively or by experience, that we do our best relating in those relationships we feel the most secure in. Security in a couple is critical to the vitality of the relationship and the wellbeing of each partner. It allows each partner to love and care for the other deeply, express themselves freely, and pursue personal growth with courage and curiosity. Secure functioning refers to partners persistently going after their relationship goals and navigating their differences with trust, sensitivity, fairness, respect, competence, cooperation, and commitment.

Secure functioning couples are not immune from relationship challenges and interpersonal distress. Secure functioning is not about the absence of conflict, differences, emotional highs and lows, doubt, and ambiguity. We might think of the secure functioning couple as dealing with such stressors with purpose and resilience, able to do the right thing when it is the hard thing to do.  

How to build a more secure functioning relationship? A good place to start is by effectively regulating yours and your partner’s emotional highs and lows. Blaming, stonewalling, attacking, withdrawing, accommodating… may work temporarily, and for one partner alone, but they harm the safety and security of the relationship. Partners who can stay regulated under distress, are better able to experience empathy, problem solve, stay open and curious to their partner, and practice pro-relationship coping behaviors such as self-soothing, repair, collaboration, and negotiation.  

Secure functioning couples are differentiated. Differentiation can be understood as a two-tiered maturation. On the first level, a differentiated partner can self-define important parts of themselves and is willing to express them, especially if they differ from their partner’s. On the second level, the differentiated partner recognizes and accepts that their partner is a separate person with their own feelings, thoughts, and histories. Differentiation effectively empowers couples to manage tension and emotional reactions caused by differences.  

Secure functioning couples have a shared vision and purpose. Couples who are joined by a purpose are more resilient to fluctuations of emotional states, interpersonal injuries, and general life transitions and disruptions. Their commitment to one-another is not mood dependent. Secure functioning partners take on creating a two-person system, where independence and interdependence are equally nurtured. In other words, a secure functioning partner is committed to their own life goals and aspirations while at the same time actively supporting their partner’s right to do the same. A couple’s vision emerges from a deep knowledge of one’s beliefs, thoughts, desires, emotions, intentions, and aspirations as well as that of their partner.  

So, how do you think you’re doing when it comes to building a secure functioning relationship? What steps can you take to regulate better, differentiate more, and build a strong vision for your relationship? Let’s talk if couples therapy can be of help.